Just Stay Here Now

Today was the last day on organs in this week’s Embodied Anatomy training. The best part: Sounding into the major abdominal organs while breathing through a straw. Ask me about it next time I see you. Next best part: Unexpected insight about how much time I waste plotting my escape from what’s happening.

Back story: I must have spent at least a month — hours just during this past week –negotiating with myself about whether I could attend the entire six days of embodied anatomy training. That would’ve been three days on organs, three days on the endocrine system. (I’m not, though I wanted to.)

Every morning for the past three days in a row, I’ve had to pep-talk myself into getting up and out to the training, and arriving on time each day (I did, though I resisted.). It’s not the training; it’s me and my ideas about all the other stuff I have to do…  each day, I’ve been glad and grateful to be there.

Even so, confession: I found myself checking the clock at 3:30 PM this afternoon, weighing the pros and cons of exiting an hour early. I could slip out just before the final asana practice. This internal debate occupied at least 20 minutes of mental space that could’ve been better embodied. I even packed up my stuff, and vividly pictured myself zooming back across the Bay Bridge ahead of rush hour traffic. Should I stay, or should I go now?

Thankfully this thinking was tedious enough, repetitive enough, and loud enough — in contrast with the colorful, varied, and soft humming of the organs — that I could catch myself. With just a touch of irritation, I put my foot down: Just stay here and see what happens. You’re here now; just stay here. Stop rehashing this decision. Go with the program. See it through. Finish what you started. Just. Stay. Here.

Amazing how much time and energy can be diffused on choices, elaborating on proliferating options (trainings, jobs, partners, pastimes) and weighing the merits and hazards of possible directions, rather than simply walking down the road that’s right in front of us.

I stayed. And, you know what? It was absolutely one of the richest parts of my day. I got to MOVE from the organs — the difference between warrior 2 from large intestine and warrior 2 from heart is stunning — and even more, I realized (again, and with some relief) that I know how to find that knowledge in myself. It’s one thing to say that everyone learns in their own way, etc. etc. and another thing to experience it. But that’s another whole blog post.

As planned, I’m not returning for the next three days on the endocrine system. But others will be there, and I’ve got other commitments to honor right here. Still moving along from the gut and heart, and letting the head quiet down just a bit.

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